Random Sayings.

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
— Tom Clancy

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
— Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
— Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
— Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
— Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
— Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
— Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
— George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
— Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she’s reading.”
— Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it., so I said “Thyroid Problem?'”
— Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
— Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
— Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
— Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
— Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
— Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
— Billy Crystal”

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
— Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
— Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.'”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
— Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a pen*s, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
— Robin Williams

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
— George Eliot

Back Flip!

Awesome back flip! When I was a lot younger I wanted to get into gymnastics. I’ve always admired gymnast.

Answering Machine

* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re
not here. So leave a message.

* Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent  the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.  If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t  worry, I have  plenty of money.

* “Hi. Now you say something.”

* “Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.”

* “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”

* “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of
these magnets.”

* “Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not
need their picture taken. If you’re still with me,   leave your  name and
number and they will get back to you.”

* “This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and   I’ll think
about returning your call.”

* “Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.  Leave
me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

* “Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and  then wait by your phone until I call you  back.”

* “If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we   probably aren’t home
and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by   us.

What is Your Sign

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think your are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like
you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time
dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All
Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Breathalyzer Test

A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away.

Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot.

Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. How could that be, the cop asked asked the motorist. “Simple,” the driver said.

“Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Three Contractors

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys look at it and give me a bid.”

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700.”

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says “You didn’t even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy” says the contractor from New York, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

Reasons its great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. We know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. Our bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
7. We can open all our own jars.
8. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
9. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
10. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
11. All your orgasms are real.
12. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
13. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
14. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
15. Your last name stays put.
16. The garage is all yours.
17. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
18. You never have to clean the toilet.
19. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
20. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
21. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
22. Your underwear is $10 a pack.
23. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
24. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
25. You don’t have to shave below you neck.
26. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
27. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
28. Everything on your face stays its original color.
29. Chocolate is just another snack.
30. You can be president.
31. There is always a game on somewhere.
32. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
33. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
34. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
35. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
36. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
37. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
38. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
39. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
40. The world is your urinal.
41. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
42. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
43. You never have to drive to another gas station because “this one’s just too scary.”
44. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
45. Same work…more pay.
46. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
47. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
48. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
49. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
50. If you retain water, its in a canteen.
51. The remote is yours and yours alone.
52. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
53. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
54. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
55. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
56. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “F**k it!”
57. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
58. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
59. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
60. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
61. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
62. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, “So…notice anything different?”
63. The thought of breast feeding brings back memorys.
64. Flowers fix everything.
65. Standing to take a wiz.
66. “The Three Stooges”.
67. You pretty much know everything.
68. Never being wrong.
69. Being able to perceive reality
70. Blow Jobs

Tongue Twister

A guy boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, “hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?” The first guy answers, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was behind the counter. So,instead of saying I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said, I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.” The other guy answers, “Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said: “You ruined my life you Fucking Bitch.”